I started to read my last post over and I was bumming myself out so I stopped! I am sure that is really going to bode well for my blog readership in the future. Honestly though, some things are just raw and unpleasant. And that is the reality of where I think we all start when we go on a journey like this.
Life got a lot better the last two days. I was driving into school with, feeling hung over, with huge black circles under my eyes, when the good started. As a side note, in the future, if I foresee that I am going to cry that much, I am definitely going to start drinking as well. If you have the hangover it just makes good sense to get to have the alcohol too! Anyway, that song from Kelly Clarkson, "Mr. Know It All", came on. It actually is kind-of angry and militant if you listen to it. But last year it came to be a reminder of a "coming home" that started last year about this time. Last year was the year of ME. I was able to actually accept who God made me to be, what I am and what I'm not. And even if other people disagree with that, I feel confident about knowing myself for the first time in my life. It's nice:)
It's wild how songs can remind us of things, or "sound like a memory" (Springsteen), if you will. Once the happy started rolling back in, songs like "The Show" by Lenka and "Home" by Phil Phillips started putting music to the angst inside, and I didn't feel quite so unknown. I mentally settled into the uncertainty I feel called to, and things seemed like they just might be ok.
Since then, I have been picking up little things from here and there that are also contributing to some inner peace. For one things, some dear Catholic friends told me something that I still can't quite wrap my mind around. In the Protestant churches I have been to, they teach what they believe the Bible says and then they turn things over to you. You are expected to believe and practice it from there on out, period. However, my friends report that the Catholic Church takes a different approach. If you come and say, "Hey, I don't believe this and I don't feel guilty about it", instead of being something they expect you to confess and change, they see it as a lack of education on their part. In fact, you should not confess things you don't feel convicted about. It was wild. I seriously don't even know how to wrap my mind around that.
Another thought occurred to me while I was reading a research article for school. All researchers begin with a research framework that is generally agreed upon. It may be flawed in places, in fact almost certainly is, but it is something that the scientific community has agreed will be the framework after a lot of study and input from many well-studied people. It allows us to judge the research that comes out, compare and contrast it, and actually gain something from the work that is being done. I wonder if the organizational structure of the church is meant to do the same thing? Cris, (my husband), and I were talking about how, no matter what authority we put ourselves under, in the church or elsewhere, there will be errors within that authority structure. In other areas there is the light at the end of the tunnel that tells me that I don't have to be under those constraints forever. For example, Cris is in the military now, and so they dictate where we go and what we do. But someday, he will be out and we won't have to live under their rules in the same way. With church, it seems kind-of demoralizing because it doesn't have an endpoint like that. However, Cris pointed out that Heaven is our end point. The place were all will be put right.
Tonight we are going to go to our first Catholic education class. I am nervous and excited, but overall, just feeling open and ready to learn. Inside, I still feel the discomfort rise in my chest when I think about some of this stuff. But it's ok.
I'll keep you posted:)
Life got a lot better the last two days. I was driving into school with, feeling hung over, with huge black circles under my eyes, when the good started. As a side note, in the future, if I foresee that I am going to cry that much, I am definitely going to start drinking as well. If you have the hangover it just makes good sense to get to have the alcohol too! Anyway, that song from Kelly Clarkson, "Mr. Know It All", came on. It actually is kind-of angry and militant if you listen to it. But last year it came to be a reminder of a "coming home" that started last year about this time. Last year was the year of ME. I was able to actually accept who God made me to be, what I am and what I'm not. And even if other people disagree with that, I feel confident about knowing myself for the first time in my life. It's nice:)
It's wild how songs can remind us of things, or "sound like a memory" (Springsteen), if you will. Once the happy started rolling back in, songs like "The Show" by Lenka and "Home" by Phil Phillips started putting music to the angst inside, and I didn't feel quite so unknown. I mentally settled into the uncertainty I feel called to, and things seemed like they just might be ok.
Since then, I have been picking up little things from here and there that are also contributing to some inner peace. For one things, some dear Catholic friends told me something that I still can't quite wrap my mind around. In the Protestant churches I have been to, they teach what they believe the Bible says and then they turn things over to you. You are expected to believe and practice it from there on out, period. However, my friends report that the Catholic Church takes a different approach. If you come and say, "Hey, I don't believe this and I don't feel guilty about it", instead of being something they expect you to confess and change, they see it as a lack of education on their part. In fact, you should not confess things you don't feel convicted about. It was wild. I seriously don't even know how to wrap my mind around that.
Another thought occurred to me while I was reading a research article for school. All researchers begin with a research framework that is generally agreed upon. It may be flawed in places, in fact almost certainly is, but it is something that the scientific community has agreed will be the framework after a lot of study and input from many well-studied people. It allows us to judge the research that comes out, compare and contrast it, and actually gain something from the work that is being done. I wonder if the organizational structure of the church is meant to do the same thing? Cris, (my husband), and I were talking about how, no matter what authority we put ourselves under, in the church or elsewhere, there will be errors within that authority structure. In other areas there is the light at the end of the tunnel that tells me that I don't have to be under those constraints forever. For example, Cris is in the military now, and so they dictate where we go and what we do. But someday, he will be out and we won't have to live under their rules in the same way. With church, it seems kind-of demoralizing because it doesn't have an endpoint like that. However, Cris pointed out that Heaven is our end point. The place were all will be put right.
Tonight we are going to go to our first Catholic education class. I am nervous and excited, but overall, just feeling open and ready to learn. Inside, I still feel the discomfort rise in my chest when I think about some of this stuff. But it's ok.
I'll keep you posted:)
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