Today is a big day. It's really really hard to describe all that has happened. It has been a lot and it has happened extremely quickly. Here goes my best attempt, and to make it a little more straight forward, I am going to go through the Who, What, Where, Why, and How questions that were most important in the decision I have come to:
* Who I Am Doing This For?: Last night we went to our first RCIA class, and it was great. I had questions that were unanswered for sure. But it was great. And I met some awesome people. Coming away from it, it was extremely obvious that Cris was ready to move forward. However, I just wasn't there. I told him last night that I was totally ok if he went on ahead of me. We talked about it for a while, and though he was nervous about it, he reluctantly, kind-of agreed. I really meant what I said, and I'm extremely glad I said it. It was important and established something very clearly to both of us. We are both on parallel, but very different, paths. The issues that Cris has in his spiritual life are not my issues, and mine are not his. We have needed to let go of each other a little bit in this process, allowing the other just to be where they are, and continuing to be where we are, supporting each other all the way. God is in the God-spot of our lives, and that reality has been really clear through this process. I don't think it could continue in a healthy way if that wasn't the case. There would be too much pressure. Way too much pressure. What I was able to make very clear, to myself and Cris, is that I am not doing this for him. I am going through this process because I want to. Because it is important for MY relationship with God. It has been suggested to me that since Cris is all in, it would be good to just decide to be with him, and let everything else just follow. Cris and I have a very equal marriage and that is simply not how we do things. However, I even considered doing it just this once, and in the midst of that had a very clear view into my heart and soul. I know that if I were to do this because he wanted to and said we should, my heart would break. For me personally, that would be putting Cris in my God spot, and something very precious, in my life and in our marriage would be lost. Possibly forever.
* Why A Denomination Over Non-Denominational?: The research framework I talked about yesterday is a huge deal for me. It establishes the need for denominations. In my life, I have always lived outside of the denominational structure. As a result, I have become very careful about what I allow into my spiritual life. Everything that comes, comes from a variety of theological frameworks and must be vetted against what I know the Bible says. It is a process that requires a very high degree of guardedness if you are going to be successful. I believe it is a perfectly valid way to live the Christian life, and I have found a very intense kind-of intimacy with God within it. I have grown in my ability to discern, acquired a lot of knowledge and understanding about a lot of different theological frames of reference, and have matured a lot in my connection with God and others. But it also does a couple other things, 1. It requires a lot of your spiritual energy and time, 2. It tends to spread you out, theologically speaking, across a very wide variety of spiritual viewpoints, 3. It forces others to vet you very extensively before allowing you to influence their environment in the Church because without a label, they simply don't have context for where you fit theologically and so must take the time and energy to ascertain that themselves.
* What Am I Afraid Of?: One of the secret fears I have had throughout this processes is that I would have to trade the relationship I have worked so hard for with God in for another one. That the God I have known and loved so dearly would be lost to me. I have never felt that this was God's voice telling me that, but it was a scary voice that kept asserting itself. Another fear involves my freedom in the midst of this process. My experience in the church has been about a lot of absolutes. It was as though each new church didn't even realize there were other views within the pale of orthodoxy. There was so much pressure to conform to what they believed in order to be seen as a mature Christian. I have not encountered anything like that in the Catholic Church. Not one Catholic, not one priest. But it has been so drilled into my brain to protect against that, it feels unsafe to open up and trust that I actually do have a choice. That no one is trying to force me to do anything.
* Where Do I Want To Be?- Why Catholic and not something else? This question is actually really easy to answer. Because I have a pretty broad experience of different types of Protestant churches, I already know what kinds of results they yield. What their message ends up being and the outcomes they produce. They are just not results that I am drawn to. The end point, the resulting view of life in Jesus that is seen in the Catholic Church is what I was drawn to in the first place. The only other church of interest was the Anglican Church, and the question of why Catholic and not Anglican was a valid one. After all, Anglican is a lot more accessible in many ways because it does not require nearly so much of you in terms of doctrinal belief. However, there is so much flux in the Anglican Church at the moment. There is a great deal of diversity among churches and you never really know, according to the generally available report, what you will get from one church to another. For Cris and I, this really misses the mark in terms of what we are looking for. Therefore, Catholicism becomes the logical denominational end point if that is what I decide I want.
* How did it happen? So how did I move so quickly to embrace something so different, and so hard to imagine embracing less than a week ago? Being in the Protestant church built a good house with a strong foundation of faith for Cris. But his house was really empty. He wasn't experiencing any relationship with God. Since he began to study Catholicism, I have seen that change, and suddenly, his spiritual house is full of life. It's a really beautiful thing to see. My house was different because my spiritual house has always been full of life. I have never known anything else. I was relaying that illustration to a good friend and she made a comment about some drapes that she had purchased that she absolutely loved. She is now designing her whole house around them. I told her about my fear of having to replace all the furnishings in my spiritual house with a new God and new beliefs. And she made a comment. She said that all her favorite things in the house already matched the drapes when she brought them in, and that it was really more about the future than the past. And suddenly, I knew that the most precious things about my relationship with Jesus are the things that have drawn me to the Catholic Church. Far from being the things that I would discard; they are instead, the things that draw me in and tie me to something new and beautiful. As she said this and this realization flashed on me, I was also caught by another realization at the same time. God has been speaking a lot to me about narrowing my focus, in many areas of my life. If you have a light, and you let it shine in a general way, it is bright, but not nearly as bright as if you narrow the focus. Becoming Catholic gives me an opportunity to narrow my focus. To accept a "research framework" and allow it to give me a safe place to focus on the spiritual life God is growing in me. It allows me to stop wasting energy on begin so guarded, and open up to the new things God wants to do in my life. Both of those realizations came at the same moment and I actually had to hurry off the phone with my friend as they did. I was overcome with the feeling of peace that descended on my heart, as though a key had turned in a lock and I knew that I was ready to commit, fully and freely. I was sitting outside a Catholic church, St. Josephs, as I had already planned to spend some time in prayer. As soon as I was off the phone, I went into the church. I didn't even really have anything to say. I just sat there with Jesus. And I reflected on what had just happened. I waited to see if, looking my new church right in the face as I knelt there, would the peace stay or would it leave? And it stayed. I am still a little nervous, and this new discovery feels precious and new, like something I want to guard and keep close to my heart for a while. But it's there. And it's a beautiful thing. A really beautiful thing.
Lol, I have serious questions about why I am trying to do this in a public forum. What's happening is so personal, and has so much absolutely essential context needed for understanding, I'm not even positive anyone else can follow along. However, I think I am continuing because there is an off-chance that there actually is someone else out there who somehow, in some small way, just might be able to relate. And who feels lonely and not understood. And might feel just a tiny bit better as they read along. It's a long shot, I admit. But it seems worth it, just in case.
I'll keep you posted!
* Who I Am Doing This For?: Last night we went to our first RCIA class, and it was great. I had questions that were unanswered for sure. But it was great. And I met some awesome people. Coming away from it, it was extremely obvious that Cris was ready to move forward. However, I just wasn't there. I told him last night that I was totally ok if he went on ahead of me. We talked about it for a while, and though he was nervous about it, he reluctantly, kind-of agreed. I really meant what I said, and I'm extremely glad I said it. It was important and established something very clearly to both of us. We are both on parallel, but very different, paths. The issues that Cris has in his spiritual life are not my issues, and mine are not his. We have needed to let go of each other a little bit in this process, allowing the other just to be where they are, and continuing to be where we are, supporting each other all the way. God is in the God-spot of our lives, and that reality has been really clear through this process. I don't think it could continue in a healthy way if that wasn't the case. There would be too much pressure. Way too much pressure. What I was able to make very clear, to myself and Cris, is that I am not doing this for him. I am going through this process because I want to. Because it is important for MY relationship with God. It has been suggested to me that since Cris is all in, it would be good to just decide to be with him, and let everything else just follow. Cris and I have a very equal marriage and that is simply not how we do things. However, I even considered doing it just this once, and in the midst of that had a very clear view into my heart and soul. I know that if I were to do this because he wanted to and said we should, my heart would break. For me personally, that would be putting Cris in my God spot, and something very precious, in my life and in our marriage would be lost. Possibly forever.
* Why A Denomination Over Non-Denominational?: The research framework I talked about yesterday is a huge deal for me. It establishes the need for denominations. In my life, I have always lived outside of the denominational structure. As a result, I have become very careful about what I allow into my spiritual life. Everything that comes, comes from a variety of theological frameworks and must be vetted against what I know the Bible says. It is a process that requires a very high degree of guardedness if you are going to be successful. I believe it is a perfectly valid way to live the Christian life, and I have found a very intense kind-of intimacy with God within it. I have grown in my ability to discern, acquired a lot of knowledge and understanding about a lot of different theological frames of reference, and have matured a lot in my connection with God and others. But it also does a couple other things, 1. It requires a lot of your spiritual energy and time, 2. It tends to spread you out, theologically speaking, across a very wide variety of spiritual viewpoints, 3. It forces others to vet you very extensively before allowing you to influence their environment in the Church because without a label, they simply don't have context for where you fit theologically and so must take the time and energy to ascertain that themselves.
* What Am I Afraid Of?: One of the secret fears I have had throughout this processes is that I would have to trade the relationship I have worked so hard for with God in for another one. That the God I have known and loved so dearly would be lost to me. I have never felt that this was God's voice telling me that, but it was a scary voice that kept asserting itself. Another fear involves my freedom in the midst of this process. My experience in the church has been about a lot of absolutes. It was as though each new church didn't even realize there were other views within the pale of orthodoxy. There was so much pressure to conform to what they believed in order to be seen as a mature Christian. I have not encountered anything like that in the Catholic Church. Not one Catholic, not one priest. But it has been so drilled into my brain to protect against that, it feels unsafe to open up and trust that I actually do have a choice. That no one is trying to force me to do anything.
* Where Do I Want To Be?- Why Catholic and not something else? This question is actually really easy to answer. Because I have a pretty broad experience of different types of Protestant churches, I already know what kinds of results they yield. What their message ends up being and the outcomes they produce. They are just not results that I am drawn to. The end point, the resulting view of life in Jesus that is seen in the Catholic Church is what I was drawn to in the first place. The only other church of interest was the Anglican Church, and the question of why Catholic and not Anglican was a valid one. After all, Anglican is a lot more accessible in many ways because it does not require nearly so much of you in terms of doctrinal belief. However, there is so much flux in the Anglican Church at the moment. There is a great deal of diversity among churches and you never really know, according to the generally available report, what you will get from one church to another. For Cris and I, this really misses the mark in terms of what we are looking for. Therefore, Catholicism becomes the logical denominational end point if that is what I decide I want.
* How did it happen? So how did I move so quickly to embrace something so different, and so hard to imagine embracing less than a week ago? Being in the Protestant church built a good house with a strong foundation of faith for Cris. But his house was really empty. He wasn't experiencing any relationship with God. Since he began to study Catholicism, I have seen that change, and suddenly, his spiritual house is full of life. It's a really beautiful thing to see. My house was different because my spiritual house has always been full of life. I have never known anything else. I was relaying that illustration to a good friend and she made a comment about some drapes that she had purchased that she absolutely loved. She is now designing her whole house around them. I told her about my fear of having to replace all the furnishings in my spiritual house with a new God and new beliefs. And she made a comment. She said that all her favorite things in the house already matched the drapes when she brought them in, and that it was really more about the future than the past. And suddenly, I knew that the most precious things about my relationship with Jesus are the things that have drawn me to the Catholic Church. Far from being the things that I would discard; they are instead, the things that draw me in and tie me to something new and beautiful. As she said this and this realization flashed on me, I was also caught by another realization at the same time. God has been speaking a lot to me about narrowing my focus, in many areas of my life. If you have a light, and you let it shine in a general way, it is bright, but not nearly as bright as if you narrow the focus. Becoming Catholic gives me an opportunity to narrow my focus. To accept a "research framework" and allow it to give me a safe place to focus on the spiritual life God is growing in me. It allows me to stop wasting energy on begin so guarded, and open up to the new things God wants to do in my life. Both of those realizations came at the same moment and I actually had to hurry off the phone with my friend as they did. I was overcome with the feeling of peace that descended on my heart, as though a key had turned in a lock and I knew that I was ready to commit, fully and freely. I was sitting outside a Catholic church, St. Josephs, as I had already planned to spend some time in prayer. As soon as I was off the phone, I went into the church. I didn't even really have anything to say. I just sat there with Jesus. And I reflected on what had just happened. I waited to see if, looking my new church right in the face as I knelt there, would the peace stay or would it leave? And it stayed. I am still a little nervous, and this new discovery feels precious and new, like something I want to guard and keep close to my heart for a while. But it's there. And it's a beautiful thing. A really beautiful thing.
Lol, I have serious questions about why I am trying to do this in a public forum. What's happening is so personal, and has so much absolutely essential context needed for understanding, I'm not even positive anyone else can follow along. However, I think I am continuing because there is an off-chance that there actually is someone else out there who somehow, in some small way, just might be able to relate. And who feels lonely and not understood. And might feel just a tiny bit better as they read along. It's a long shot, I admit. But it seems worth it, just in case.
I'll keep you posted!
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