There is no other word to describe what is happening to me. It's like a granola-crunchy sort of person who has lived in NY City all their life and suddenly moves to Oregon and discovers all their people there waiting for them. Life suddenly makes sense. Not because who you were changed. It's just your environment agrees with who you are, and the people around you just GET you.
It is strange, but I have realized that in many ways I have been more Catholic than Protestant for a long time. There are things that have been really important to Cris and I that have just kind-of been seen as cool extras when other people have heard us talk about them. Things like our belief in the importance of names and their meanings. We were really intentional about the names that we chose for our girls. In Jewish culture, your name is who you are, and we prayed and talked about those names a lot. We wanted to gift them with something beautiful from the very beginning. In the same way, a huge part of my personal growth has been "growing into" my name. Anna means grace, and the processes of grace has been the defining journey of my life thus far. I see this value in the Church itself when they give you the chance to pick a new name if you wish to at your confirmation.
Another HUGE aspect of Cris and my life, both as individuals and as a couple, is our devotion to the concept of mentorship. When we got married, we each already had a mentor and chose a mentor as a couple as well. In turn, we have also had the pleasure of mentoring others. It's so exciting to see this relationship valued in the church as seen in the concept of the sponsor as you move through the Confirmation process.
The similarities continue, but you get the idea. I am daily amazed as I see who I am find rest and home in the shelter of this community. Another big moment has come through the deep connection of my present and past. Books I have read, musical artists I have liked, things that are precious to me and have been for a long time, that actually have deep roots in Catholicism. Rich Mullins is a great example. I grew-up in Wichita, a city who will always claim him. I met him several times and went to a ton of concerts growing up. We had every CD he ever made, and he was a weekly part of our home music routine. Over the past week, I have been drawn back to his music over and over again. The themes he talks about mirror things I am learning in RCIA and elsewhere, and are continually helping me solidify concepts in my mind and heart. I thought that I remembered some sort of Catholic connection with Rich, so I started to do a little research. He was days away from being Confirmed when he died, and had a kind-of love affair with the Catholic Church for years prior to that. That love is reflected throughout his life and his music. It has been beautiful and there is something deep and true about the connection I feel with his journey.
At the beginning of this week I was straining and grasping to understand what exactly I need to change about my life to be Catholic. But I am discovering something truly wild. My experience of our interaction with Truth in the church, prior to the Catholic Church, has been like a straight line that you are required to stick to. It is assumed you will fall off, but that is a clear failure. It has been significant to me that the Catholic Church approaches Truth very differently. Imagine if you will a solid circle with the word TRUTH printed in the middle. Now imagine a slightly bigger circle that encompasses the first one. Within the boundary between the two, the word "mystery" is written. Now imagine a much bigger circle that is encompassing everything. Along the edge, a boundary is set with the words "pale of orthodoxy". Within the big circle, you can approach the central Truth from a lot of angles. But in pointing the same direction, hemmed in by the same boundary, we find unity as we pursue the mystery of the Truth of God. Within this reality, I have found the freedom to simply come into this community as I am, delve deeply, and not worry about changing anything in my life until I actually feel convicted to do so. Until I actually feel drawn to be closer to Jesus by throwing off whatever I see is keeping me away. It's an amazing feeling. Not one I am unexperienced with. But one I have not had experience with inside the church.
I am also finding the space to ask questions I have never asked before. Questions centered in love. What about the Muslims or Mormons or whoever, who clearly and desperately want God and are radically committed to their concept of Him? Can God find a way to extend mercy to them? How do I love people in lifestyles that aren't what I would choose? And by love them I mean, welcome them in my home and make them feel comfortable around me? I don't know all the answers. But I love that this atmosphere is bringing those questions up naturally. That my desires feel every day drawn closer to the heart of love that God has for people. A love that I can't even begin to imagine.
Songs continue to be vitally important in this process for me. I was listening to a Rich Mullins song this morning and then talking about it with my Catholic friend who has spent countless hours discussing this new life with me. She had asked me if we planned to baptize the girls and I was saying that we thought so, but we wanted to study a little more. I am a very verbal processor and as we talked, I was amazed yet again to find things slipping into place. The song I had been listening to is speaking to a small child, and says, "Me and your mom, and all the love we have, we can only take you so far. As far as we can. But you'll need something more to guide your heart as you grow into a man. Let mercy lead, let love be the strength in your legs." I don't think I completely grasp it yet, but that is the essence of what baptizing the girls means to me. It's taking them as far as we can. It's carrying them to the feet of Jesus, like the parents that brought their children to be blessed. We can truly only take them so far. And there will come a day when mercy and love have to lead them on. It is incredible how often the Catholic Church draws everyone back to the mercy and grace of God. It is the central message of every single thing we do there. Everything. It is an atmosphere completely overrun with mercy and grace. And in baptizing them, we are carrying them through the door, into that atmosphere of mercy and grace. We are doing what we can. And we will do it with constant prayers that mercy and love will lead them on from there. It was actually an overwhelmingly beautiful thought.
Phil Phillips song, "Home" and Isaiah 43:1-21, but especially verse 1, have come together to perfectly explain this experience. The Isaiah verse tells me that the God I have always known is the One who is holding me now. He has me. And I'm growing less afraid. Home is where I am finding myself. Listen to these lines from the song "Home":
Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
Isn't that amazing?! Anyway, that's pretty much it for now:) I'll keep you posted!
It is strange, but I have realized that in many ways I have been more Catholic than Protestant for a long time. There are things that have been really important to Cris and I that have just kind-of been seen as cool extras when other people have heard us talk about them. Things like our belief in the importance of names and their meanings. We were really intentional about the names that we chose for our girls. In Jewish culture, your name is who you are, and we prayed and talked about those names a lot. We wanted to gift them with something beautiful from the very beginning. In the same way, a huge part of my personal growth has been "growing into" my name. Anna means grace, and the processes of grace has been the defining journey of my life thus far. I see this value in the Church itself when they give you the chance to pick a new name if you wish to at your confirmation.
Another HUGE aspect of Cris and my life, both as individuals and as a couple, is our devotion to the concept of mentorship. When we got married, we each already had a mentor and chose a mentor as a couple as well. In turn, we have also had the pleasure of mentoring others. It's so exciting to see this relationship valued in the church as seen in the concept of the sponsor as you move through the Confirmation process.
The similarities continue, but you get the idea. I am daily amazed as I see who I am find rest and home in the shelter of this community. Another big moment has come through the deep connection of my present and past. Books I have read, musical artists I have liked, things that are precious to me and have been for a long time, that actually have deep roots in Catholicism. Rich Mullins is a great example. I grew-up in Wichita, a city who will always claim him. I met him several times and went to a ton of concerts growing up. We had every CD he ever made, and he was a weekly part of our home music routine. Over the past week, I have been drawn back to his music over and over again. The themes he talks about mirror things I am learning in RCIA and elsewhere, and are continually helping me solidify concepts in my mind and heart. I thought that I remembered some sort of Catholic connection with Rich, so I started to do a little research. He was days away from being Confirmed when he died, and had a kind-of love affair with the Catholic Church for years prior to that. That love is reflected throughout his life and his music. It has been beautiful and there is something deep and true about the connection I feel with his journey.
At the beginning of this week I was straining and grasping to understand what exactly I need to change about my life to be Catholic. But I am discovering something truly wild. My experience of our interaction with Truth in the church, prior to the Catholic Church, has been like a straight line that you are required to stick to. It is assumed you will fall off, but that is a clear failure. It has been significant to me that the Catholic Church approaches Truth very differently. Imagine if you will a solid circle with the word TRUTH printed in the middle. Now imagine a slightly bigger circle that encompasses the first one. Within the boundary between the two, the word "mystery" is written. Now imagine a much bigger circle that is encompassing everything. Along the edge, a boundary is set with the words "pale of orthodoxy". Within the big circle, you can approach the central Truth from a lot of angles. But in pointing the same direction, hemmed in by the same boundary, we find unity as we pursue the mystery of the Truth of God. Within this reality, I have found the freedom to simply come into this community as I am, delve deeply, and not worry about changing anything in my life until I actually feel convicted to do so. Until I actually feel drawn to be closer to Jesus by throwing off whatever I see is keeping me away. It's an amazing feeling. Not one I am unexperienced with. But one I have not had experience with inside the church.
I am also finding the space to ask questions I have never asked before. Questions centered in love. What about the Muslims or Mormons or whoever, who clearly and desperately want God and are radically committed to their concept of Him? Can God find a way to extend mercy to them? How do I love people in lifestyles that aren't what I would choose? And by love them I mean, welcome them in my home and make them feel comfortable around me? I don't know all the answers. But I love that this atmosphere is bringing those questions up naturally. That my desires feel every day drawn closer to the heart of love that God has for people. A love that I can't even begin to imagine.
Songs continue to be vitally important in this process for me. I was listening to a Rich Mullins song this morning and then talking about it with my Catholic friend who has spent countless hours discussing this new life with me. She had asked me if we planned to baptize the girls and I was saying that we thought so, but we wanted to study a little more. I am a very verbal processor and as we talked, I was amazed yet again to find things slipping into place. The song I had been listening to is speaking to a small child, and says, "Me and your mom, and all the love we have, we can only take you so far. As far as we can. But you'll need something more to guide your heart as you grow into a man. Let mercy lead, let love be the strength in your legs." I don't think I completely grasp it yet, but that is the essence of what baptizing the girls means to me. It's taking them as far as we can. It's carrying them to the feet of Jesus, like the parents that brought their children to be blessed. We can truly only take them so far. And there will come a day when mercy and love have to lead them on. It is incredible how often the Catholic Church draws everyone back to the mercy and grace of God. It is the central message of every single thing we do there. Everything. It is an atmosphere completely overrun with mercy and grace. And in baptizing them, we are carrying them through the door, into that atmosphere of mercy and grace. We are doing what we can. And we will do it with constant prayers that mercy and love will lead them on from there. It was actually an overwhelmingly beautiful thought.
Phil Phillips song, "Home" and Isaiah 43:1-21, but especially verse 1, have come together to perfectly explain this experience. The Isaiah verse tells me that the God I have always known is the One who is holding me now. He has me. And I'm growing less afraid. Home is where I am finding myself. Listen to these lines from the song "Home":
Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
Isn't that amazing?! Anyway, that's pretty much it for now:) I'll keep you posted!
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