"I woke up, with an aching in my head, lay motionless in bed and wish that I was dead". Some song starts that way. It's a good song. I feel that way today. The next line talks about being emotionless, and that is where the similarities end, because unlike that lucky song person, I cried for 8 hours today, on and off. It was ever bit as fun as that sounds. An old wound got opened back up today. And it actually hurt a lot more than I thought it would.
I went to my first mass today. Is mass supposed to be capitalized? I don't know. Sorry, everyone who does. What I'm feeling isn't the Catholic Church's fault. They honestly aren't that much different than all the other denominations on this point. It just brought it up again. Because we have been looking into becoming Catholic. And I love so many things about the Catholic Church. The Liturgy, historicity, parallels with Jewish thought, less divided, greater diversity, views on women, focus on God and the wonder and majesty of who He is, demonstrated humility of priests to God and his authority, not based in the US (literally, politically and socially), etc. And I just kind of hoped it might be different this time.
I have never joined a church in my life. I just wasn't raised that way. As the title of my blog says, I have never been one of the "us" really. I have always been one of the others. Even saying that doesn't tell you who I am. I know the picture those words paint. I love Jesus with all my heart. And I have never felt far away from Him. I have studied the Bible and theology more than the average person ever will. I have also studied Jewish thought and history, been to Israel 3 times and celebrated Passover my whole life. I have been some sort of leader in almost every church I have attended as an adult. But try as I might, I haven't been able to join. There's a lot in the answer to why, and honestly, I've worn myself out and I am starting my doctoral program tomorrow, so this is not really coming at the best time for me. I wrote about it all to a friend tonight though, and so I will simply paste that here by way of introduction:
Everyone I talk about my feelings on church membership with takes a similar approach with me. And I love them for it. But it isn't where I am or who I am. They tell me just pour your heart out to God. I have been pouring my heart out to God all day. I never ever ever need to be encouraged to do that. He is my safe place, He is the place that has ALWAYS been my refuge. I don't need to be told to tell God and turn it over to Him. My issue is not with God. And I don't feel like the hurt is from Him, nor do I feel that my issue is in any way with Him. All these things that people say are things that are elementary in the Christian life and I really love that people care for me so. But it leaves me feeling that they have missed who I am. And where I am in my Christian walk.
The issue is this. In the end, the requirement for being a part of the Catholic Church is the same as the requirement for being a member of any denomination. Here is our creed. It covers salvation, but it covers a lot more. We acknowledge that you can have fellowship with Jesus, and enter in as a member of His body at the moment of your salvation. However, to be in true fellowship with us, we require more. We require that you say you 100% agree with our view of God and holy living. We require that you believe it is without error. And unless you do that, you cannot enter into fellowship with us. You cannot belong here. We will be happy to use your passion, your love for Jesus and people, your devotion to the Word, your energy, all of it. You can hang around and we might even let you be who you are and lead a little. But we will not accept you as one of us unless you agree that we are wrong in nothing. And you must promise it before God.
I could astound people with my devotion to denominational teaching. I could be amazing at it. People would say I was amazingly mature as a Christian and just be so impressed. But to be impressive, to be seen as what they want, I have to give something up. I have to give up my integrity.
What would I prefer?
HOME.
I would love it if we could be just a little more like Jesus and a little less like people who require more than God.
Do you know what would be so cool?
"Hey, we see that you love Jesus very much, that you agree on the central things necessary for salvation and that you want to grow in what we have going on here. That you want to grow in Christianity the Catholic, (or whatever) way. We would love to have you! Come on in, you are now Catholic. Now, let's go on a journey together of discipleship".
That would be awesome, but that's never it.
It's, "ok, here, we are going to disciple you, quickly, (compared to a lifetime a year or whatever length of time it takes to become a member is quick), in all the stuff we believe and you are welcome to become Catholic, (or whatever), when you can say yes to everything. Until then, hang out, but you don't belong.
Sorry, Jesus isn't enough.
You can't partake of His life, or His sacraments because those aren't for you. Its just for our people. The ones who agree 100%, or more probably, who lie a lot of the time and say they do but really don't. We don't know which ones those are, but we know about you. Your a little too honest and a little too literal and so sorry, your out.
And so I have made myself ok with that. I have followed all the, "you can't do that" rules and I have honored what every church said I could do and couldn't do. Up till today, I have been really been awesome at getting myself ok with it reality too. Because I found I could happen outside of them. I could be myself, be free, outside of established church. And so I gave up on established church because it didn't want me as I am. Only as I can dress up to be.
Why did Jesus not go over all the extra rules when He chose the 12? Why did He not mention that they had to believe things about His mom and baptism and speaking in tongues and predestination? He didn't actually say anything like that about being His disciple. He didn't require any of that and he was a Rabbi recruiting to start the most incredible movement that ever happened on earth. These were going to be the Apostles, the foundation of the leadership of the church. And somehow, the extras didn't even come up.
Just simply one invitation to be a part of Him. "Come follow Me."
My husband is struggling too, by the way. Only his struggle is much different. I didn't want him to know how much I was starting to hurt over this. He's one of those rare guys who loves me so much, he would call the whole Catholic investigation off. Tried to today. But he has his own path, and he's really excited about this. I literally jumped up and down on him until he promised to keep walking his path, and to keep letting me walk mine. They are parallel paths, even if they are different, and I know we are headed the same direction, wherever that is. I love him for wanting to stop the hurt. But even if I never join any denomination ever, this hurt inside me has to be healed.
And today, in the end, I think that's the point.
I don't know where this is headed. But hiding this hurt isn't healing it. And it isn't helping me out either. I did hear from God today. In the midst of all the people and all the words and all the tears, I heard Him. It was the beginning of something friend said. And it goes like this:
Today, God, the God I know knows me, and loves me and gets all the stuff I can't express well, He is just asking me to be unsure for a while.
That is very very hard for me. And I don't think I have ever once heard a sermon on the virtue of unsurity. But be that as it may, that's what He's asking of me. I am going to do what He asked. Because God and I are cool like that, and I want to;) Lol, well, I don't want to. But I want to make Him happy and be connected to Him and He's letting me know this is important to Him. So it is going to be important to me too.
I readily admit I'm scared. But I'm going to be unsure and I'm going to be unsure in the Catholic Church, since that happens to be where I find myself when God asked.
I'll keep you posted…
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